hallmark worship and regret
02.15.08 (2:53 am) [edit]So since I've had hallmarks version of all amerikan love forced down my throat for the last month culminating in todays red and pink rose scented grope fest of candy and STD's it's put me in a bad mood to say the least.
I am apparently not immune to this brainwashing and being alone on a totally fake holiday has made me reminiscent of my past.
So STS this is for you.
I remember a badly photoshopped vampire direct scan
I remember a empty chat room
I remember tearing down fundies
I remember starlight and growling
I remember my soul is a frisbee
I remember loopy
I remember goodnight my love
I remember interviewing a demon
I remember why you drank cherry 7up
I remember cutting myself in my grandmothers bathroom
I remember being so alone but for you
I remember whispering to you from a balcony
I remember crying on a borrowed cell phone sitting on a tombstone
I remember my first $300 phone bill
I remember being intimately acquainted with a pay phone in a basement
I remember a faded red shirt
I remember looking up at O'hare
I remember being scared we'd crash your car
I remember the tasted of malts and your lips
I remember packing bricks in my suitcase
I remember feeling you press into me
I remember the constellation on your back
I remember razorblade smiles
I remember being a gift and happy cows
I remember a bright red car that came too soon
I remember holding onto to you when I lost myself
I remember not wanting you to see me get sick
I remember being terrified of telling you two letters
I remember your voice pulling me out of despair
I remember the horror of knowing you were pulling away
I remember a pink hotel hallway
I remember being pushed against a door
I remember convincing myself I was wrong
I remember the hopeless feeling it gave me to know what you thought of me
I remember the disbelief of those words
I remember you can't do this
I remember those ice blue eyes
I remember a meal from mcdonalds
I remember the door closing
I remember pills so many pills
I remember rain and cold and dark
I remember losing myself, feeling my soul tear
I remember everything and wonder if it means anything
I remember wingstone lies unfinished in a hard drive
I wonder if I'd do it again some days.
this is never enough
03.02.07 (6:53 am) [edit]Brief Intro to Psychosis.
A person who is psychotic is out of touch with reality. People with psychosis may hear "voices" or have strange and illogical ideas (for example, thinking that others can hear their thoughts, or are trying to harm them, or that they are the President of the United States or some other famous person). They may get excited or angry for no apparent reason, or spend a lot of time by themselves, or in bed, sleeping during the day and staying awake at night. The person may neglect appearance, not bathing or changing clothes, and may be hard to talk to--barely talking or saying things that make no sense. They often are initially unaware that their condition is an illness.
And a brief into to the side effects of the drug they want me on
Acute dystonia — muscle spasms.
Parkinsonism — tremors, stiff posture, diminished and hesitant arm and leg movements, a shuffling walk, and an immobile, expressionless face.
Akathisia — restless fidgeting and pacing, which can be agonizing.
Tardive dyskinesia — repetitive involuntary muscle movements that may include sucking, grimacing, lip-smacking, protrusion of the tongue, and jerky and writhing movements of the face, neck, and arms.
Fuck them
Grass is greener...
02.27.07 (6:46 am) [edit]What is it that makes us want what we can't have? Why work so fucking hard to get something and then once you have it..... you don't want it anymore. Nothing is ever good enough, always looking for something better, something more..... Even when that something isn't better. I know I'm not completely happy with my relationship. I know full fucking well I'm "settling" but I'm damaged goods, with a truckload of baggage. No matter what I do, what I lost is not coming back. There's not going to be a miracle reunion... I'm not going back in time to wake up in 2000 when everything was ok. It's been almost four years now since STS left me. I should be FUCKING OVER IT. What the fuck! How fucking long is he going to fuck with me?? It so fucking stupid to let the past screw with now. I fucking know that. Remind why I thought feeling emotions again was such a great idea??
It's been a while
02.26.07 (12:46 am) [edit]I'm still alive and struggling. I'm working six shifts a week now. I have no energy to do this and I have nothing left after. I'm running pretty much on pure apathy. Either be dead tired at home or dead tired at work. Doesn't matter to me which. Both have there own bad points. At least most the time I get paid to be miserable at work.
witness to a car vs pedestrian accident
10.05.06 (3:37 am) [edit]Amber and i were driving home in rush hour..... the car in front of us pulled into the turn lane and sped up to try and make the light. He hit a guy crossing the road....so hard. The guy flew up and came down on his head.
I ran up to try to help since I know first aid and CPR. The guy was awake and breathing so I tried to keep him calm and still. Another guy was translating for me since the guy was Mexican and we weren't sure which language he spoke.
He got loose and turned over.... He was so bad. His head was caved in on one side. His teeth were in a pool of his blood. His eyes weren't tracking at all and he just had a blank stare.
The paramedics got there really fast and took over. Amber and I had to give about 1000 statements to the police.
I'm still shaking. I don't think the guy is going to live and if he does I don't think he'll be the same.
pain and more pain
08.29.06 (2:46 am) [edit]Not in general one to notice/complain about pain. But holy fuck I hurt tonight. I hoping it's not going to end with a bout of ON and a round of psychosis and steroids. I hope it goes away. Fucking shit.
Off to dig around for some pain killers. And hopefully knock myself out until this goes away.
AKA Terror
08.27.06 (4:55 pm) [edit]
The ones you hurt the most
08.27.06 (4:29 pm) [edit]I miss my dad.
Fucker.
I love how he came back into my life only to die after getting me to like him.
I wonder if it was better to have a boogyman dad in my head and stay six years old. Then to have a dead human dad and grow up.
It's amazing and frightening how much you can forgive parents for. So my dad tried killing me repeatedly and I watched him basically kill my mom..... though she survived it. He's mah pa ya know?
Bastard.
After 12 years I was done with him. He was dead to me and I was fucking fine. Now I have got to go through it again.
Sucks to have your dad die twice.
Healthy is a temporary condition
08.27.06 (3:06 am) [edit]It's true. You may be healthy right now but it won't last. If you are lucky "unhealthy" will be a brain aneurysm in your sleep at 98 years old. But chances are it won't be.
I am fucking sick of the currently healthy people bitching that us gimps dare to live and not work. Most Americans are one check away from being homeless. Most people apparently do not consider what a prolonged illness will do to them financially. A lot of people seem to think being a gimp and being 'so lucky' as to not have to work is a happy fun time. That we are off on shopping sprees throwing our loads of money around having a great time on an infinite vacation.
I fucking wish.
I make roughly $700/mo. My rent is $450. I dare to have a phone and internet $100. I need to eat $100. So I have $50 left for all those other fun luxuries like soap, toilet paper, tooth paste, and every other thing I may need or want. Health care? Right. As if I can afford the copays. Unless I go back to selling my painkillers to pay for the meds I need for my MS. Dental care? Are you out of your fucking mind? Theres not anything I can do about my teeth rotting away at 26 from lack of dental care and a barrage of medications. Other than slap some anbesol on the gapping holes were my back molars used to be and hope the mind shattering pain stops for a little while so I can attempt to chew food.
So before you go off bitching about having to fucking pay for me to have health coverage and money to live on and telling me to just not get sick you fucking moron..... Look at your bank balance and ask yourself do I have six months of pay saved up to live on? Because if you ever do get sick that's what you will need to stay out of the welfare office with us losers.
vodka the evil throw back to my russian ex's
08.25.06 (1:29 pm) [edit]I thinks it's funny when I want to torture myself by forgetting I really shouldn't drink anything in any amount...... I go straight for the vodka. I love good vodka, and it hurts me. Sounds familiar. So here a thanks to VVA and STS for my probably life long addiction to fucking Russians, vodka, pain, and self torture.
You don't get to choose
08.23.06 (10:59 pm) [edit]I have lots of bi, gay, lesbian, trans-gendered, straight, and any range of combinations of friends. Always have. I have no problem with anyone's sexuality. If they aren't fucking me.... It's none of my business. (of course we're talking over 18 and everyone is consenting)
I don't think having sex with a man makes me straight or having had sex with a woman made me a lesbian. I don't having had a long tern relationship with another woman and then having a long term relationship with a man made me bi.
I don't think of myself as being confused. I don't believe other people get to label me or force me into a sexuality just because they feel better about it.
I don't believe sex or relationships define your sexuality.
No one but the person in question gets to make that decision, if they want to.
For me..... I'm not attracted to other women, I don't think when I see a pretty chick that I'd like to fuck her. But I had a five year relationship with another female. That doesn't bother or confuse me.
I like men, I find men attractive, I think of myself as straight.
If you want to piss me the fuck off tell me I'm bi. Fuck off. What concern is it of yours? Why do you care? How arrogant is it to think you get to pick my fucking sexuality? Or anyone else's?
Your hands on my skin
08.22.06 (10:38 pm) [edit]I miss my ex. I don't want to be with him over you. I just want you to fuck more like him. It's not even about technique or anatomy. It's not about emotions or the relationship between me and you and me and him.
It's about your lack of self esteem. Your indecisiveness and lack of confidence. Stop over thinking everything. Stop being afraid of everything. Stop worrying.
It bleeds over into us. Those rare moments when you let go and so much better than anything.... It keeps me waiting for more of them. I want you to enjoy yourself, and to relax..... There's no need to worry. I don't know how to prove that more than I have. I don't know what to say or do. I'm open about everything. I've told you everything. I've held back and not said anything..... What do you want?
What do you want from me? What do you want to do? How do you want it? Just fucking tell me anything. You have to give me a fucking clue on this. I can't read your mind. There's only so much to tell from your body.
I know now you were a virgin. Had I known THAT..... yeah maybe we wouldn't be here. But it's too late now and it's been so long.......... You have to have some idea by now. Right?? something?? anything? please?
Do you know how frustrating it is to not be answered? I've tried to get answers out of you...... It doesn't matter to me which way I suck your cock. you fucking pick a way and I'll do it. But you have to pick. It's all the same to me.
You have a secret fetish?? just tell me.... it's faster for me to list things I won't do than to list the ones I would do or have done. No animals, children, watersports, scat, adult babies, or NC. Having said that tho.... I'm not too big on plain vanilla either. It's ok once in awhile but can we please please change it up a bit.
I like you, I like fucking you, I like us........ But I'm not happy and I'm not going to hold onto something that doesn't work. If you want this to continue you have to make an effort too.
love and its implications
08.20.06 (2:51 pm) [edit]Love is a difficult thing for me. Do most people have to remind themselves to feel that? I'm not sure. I don't think so. I think they just feel it and feel it until they are done. Not me. I have to remind myself that I love this person and therefore they get special treatment.
Could I blame it on my parents? Of course. I haven't loved my mom in years. My dad was abusive and absent. But it's something more I think. People to me fit into rigid categories. Categories I define in my head.
It's not a casual, unthinking thing for me. It's deliberate. It gets hard to remember to love people, more often now.
danger to myself?
08.18.06 (9:26 pm) [edit]I'm accustomed to being a "danger to myself" on purpose.
Been there lots of times. Nothing new.
But am I now a danger to myself on accident?? Am now so crippled that I can't help but injure myself?
I set a scalding hot pan down on my arm a while back.... big deal eveyone has accidents....
But in the last week or so.... I've grabbed a hot pan w/o pot holder, dropped a cigarette on myself and not noticed til I was burnt pretty good, fell down the last three stairs, fell three times inside, fallen in the shower, and drank scalding coffee.......
So far I have yet to be hurt too bad.
So far I have hidden most these things from everone.
But what if I am unsafe now??
Too dangerous to be left alone?
I think I'd prefer to kill myself (by accident) living my own life... Than be safe and locked down.
I'm sick of being in the 7th grade with you
08.18.06 (8:34 pm) [edit]Stop doing the immature kid thing ok?? I don't do the does he "like like me or just like me???? thing. grow up. If you're big enough to fuck me you're big enought act like a man.
How long do you thing I can deal with this shit? You're 24 not 12.
I'll admit the sneaking around thing was kinda fun at first. At first. Now it's just boring and annoying.
Just fucking talk to me. I try to talk to you and get nothing...... How long do you think I'll wait?
Here's a clue.... I've waited too long already. Make a choice. Make it now.
I'm sick of being in the 7th grade with you
08.18.06 (8:26 pm) [edit]Stop doing the immature kid thing ok?? I don't do the does he "like like me or just like me???? thing. grow up. If you're big enough to fuck me you're big enought act like a man.
How long do you thing I can deal with this shit? You're 24 not 12.
I'll admit the sneaking around thing was kinda fun at first. At first. Now it's just boring and annoying.
Just fucking talk to me. I try to talk to you and get nothing...... How long do you think I'll wait?
Here's a clue.... I've waited too long already. Make a choice. Make it now.
Confess
08.16.06 (7:05 pm) [edit]As far as I can know I have not been cheated on. But I have seen this done among my friends and parents.
I have yet to really understand this. What the fuck is the point in cheating?
It seems inevitable that either the other person will find out or the cheater will confess.
How hard is it to admit the relationship is fucked up and you need something more?
Why continue on in a situation you are not happy with?
I don't get it.
Things turn up
08.16.06 (5:24 pm) [edit]It's funny how my brain is drawing a connection between my friends need for a bed and the death of anothers neighbor.
I mean sure we are taking the dead guys bed.... but really the two have nothing to do with each other.
And yet...... It just strikes me as odd how I often I gain random things from the tragedy of others even though unintentional.
im sick of addicts
08.15.06 (9:13 am) [edit]My entire family has problems with addictions. I grew up with it, I've seen it countless times.
Which just points out the levels of stupidity addicts can fall into.
My friend 'N' is a IV heroine user. I didn't know she was shooting... But I let her stay with me since she was going to sleep in a park.
So what does she do?? spend hours in my bathroom with her g/f.... What the fuck did she think???
That I'm not going to notice? That the fucking tourniquet she left on my floor was a hair tie??
Don't fucking bother with your I'm sorry it won't happen again. It will.
But hey to top it off how about calling me and making my fault I'm so mean I won't let you shoot up in my bathroom? Yeah I'm fucking evil.
I didn't even want her to try and pretend to be clean to stay here. I offered to let her come back.... as long as she fucking shoot up somewhere else.
Too many rules for her to live by though....
Whatever. Go fuck yourself. Call me from the ER after you get raped behind some dumpster.
MonSter
08.14.06 (10:47 pm) [edit]So I suppose gimp etiquette requires a brief bit of background info.
I was diagnosed with MS in 2000. After spending several years being told I was crazy and perfectly healthy.
I tried the meds for it for a while. They didn't work for me. So I am med free. I'm glad they worked for your mother's sister's hairdresser.. but I don't want to hear about it thanks.
I don't do symptom poker. If you have MS or whatever or know someone with some disease... and you think they have it worse/better than me... Keep it to yourself.
tired doesn't cover it
08.14.06 (10:38 pm) [edit]I don't think people understand the word tired or fatigue. Not until they have a disease that causes fatigue. In my case I have RRMS or in English Relapsing Remitting Multiple Sclerosis.
More about that later maybe.....
I'm not just tired and want a nap or worn out and want to go to bed....
I'm exhausted. I'm beyond exhausted.
When and how much I sleep doesn't matter. It has nothing to do with this. I can sleep for days and still be 'tired'
Some days I'd rather die then have to get out of bed.
Most days I want to torture and kill people who tell me 'they get tired sometimes too' Fuck you. You have no fucking clue.
If you want to help me then just do what the fuck ever it is you're asking me to wake up for and don't fucking bother me.
debris
08.13.06 (10:44 pm) [edit]I'm sick of everything. I'm tired of being trapped in this life into this rapidly decaying body. Sick of trying to do everything for everyone. Sick of having turn myself in a zombie just to get through another day. How much is one person supposed to take before they crack?
I'm not bitching or whining but I'm worn out and worn down. I fully realize other people have it worse... and I don't know how they do it. I just don't know how much longer I can do this all.....
I think it would be much easier if I didn't know it could have all been different, that I could have been more than what I am.
That it's too late now.
